a white butterfly in my garden

ImageAfter two and one half weeks of rest, I will be getting back on the trail. I am giddy with excitement. Not expectation, but yearning to be back inside of natures home. The four walls which surround me have been stifling. Looking out I see houses, I hear cars, and I feel trapped in a reality that no longer serves me, nor do I serve it. My heart yearns to be out where the words and actions of others don’t hurt me. For, it is in nature that I can understand more readily  the fluctuations of life. The simple act of walking allows me to let go and not hold on, to that which creates tears in my heart. The physical exhaustion of the trail contributes to the wholeness I feel out there. I know I am alive, and I am surrounded by life, not by cement and exhaust and walls. I am free to be me.  I know I can’t always be on the trail and I have recognized the fact that I will relocate to a place nearer the mountains, once this walk is over. The ocean has always given so much to me. I find her waters though have gotten crowded. Crowded with people. Crowded with the ill effects of over-population.I will always come back to the ocean for healing and for remembering. So many of my loved ones that are now gone are an integral part of the oceans waters, and I find such peace knowing they are there.

ImageI have pondered many hours these past couple of weeks as to why I am here? Why was I forced off the trail, when I was so happy out there? I don’t know if I have an answer. I don’t know if even there is an answer. I do know, that perhaps, I was called home for a reality check. Perhaps I needed to be here, in order to be there. Meaning, I was doing a lot of thinking while on the trail about my home, my friends, my family and possibilities. I feel now, when I get back on the trail, I will be, on the trail. I had a teacher in Bali once who remarked on my many mishaps while there. She said, “Laura, while you were running, you weren’t running and while you were walking along the waters edge, you were elsewhere; be, where you are.” So perhaps, it was  just another lesson of returning to the moment.

I have tried to sit and write so many times the past couple of weeks. The inspiration for writing wasn’t there. The noise cluttered my thoughts. The negative emotions surrounding me made it difficult to find that place within that creativity stirs. I went to the oceans edge almost daily to be calm and contemplative, but still, the words wouldn’t come.

ImageThere has been a white butterfly in my garden since I have been home. A constant companion in a lonely kind of a place. My daughters ,always in my heart bringing me joy. I am blessed for that. I have been riding my beach cruiser along the oceans edge, the wind off the ocean, the smiles of old friends, the conversations with those that have become enamored with my journey on the trail have given me joy.

When my body doesn’t perform as I hope, I get a little down. I get to a place of non-acceptance. Even, a little anger. But then I am reminded that it is such a minor situation in the grand picture. My dearest friend was diagnosed with Epilepsy. He can’t drive. He can’t surf. He can’t practice his martial art. His memory is dissipating. He is angry. His sense of who he is is diminishing as he must let others do what he was once able to do for himself. And, I am kept from him for reasons that are too difficult to explain. When we are able to see each other, I just tell him how much I love him. He tells me, how blessed I am to be following my heart. When I leave, I weep. I just have a back-ache, to keep me from doing what I want to be doing.

ImageI will meet WhyNot?! and Atlas in Sierra City. Whoohooo!!!! The three of us will be on the tails of Poco and Spirit who are down the line a bit. So many folks have caught up and I look forward to meeting new people out there. My hope is to get to Canada early September, and return to the Sierra’s and make-up the 400 miles I missed. Then, hopefully get back to Washington for the ALDHA gathering. Dreams. But without dreams, we wither. Without reaching we lose strength. Possibilities abound. I look forward to the starry skies to lull me to sleep. To the flowing waters to nourish me and cleanse my body. To the mountains to inspire me and give me hope. To the trail and all that awaits around the bend.

I walk on. With Love.

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